Writings From a Young Soul Read online

Writings from a Young Soul

  Clearing a Path to Discovery

  By Daniel A. Starks

  Copyright 2013 Daniel A. Starks

  TABLE OF CONTENTS

  Prologue

  Never Was Never Will Be

  Not for Me

  I'm Not Used to Being Me

  The Truth

  The Agony

  Childless Tribe

  Bitter River of Life

  Liar's Oath

  You

  Emptiness

  Will it Ever Change

  What's to Live For

  The Guy

  Still in My Heart

  Again

  Blind Denial

  Here Comes the Fire

  Goodbye

  No Longer Here

  What Was Could Never Be

  She Will Fall

  Old Pictures

  Leaves Keep Changing

  It Will Never Fade

  Six Months

  Our Song

  Every Time

  Random Thoughts

  On My Knees

  Corner Step

  Untitled

  One Life

  What Do I Have To Do

  Thoughts

  The Next Step

  Untitled

  What if I Told You

  You Surround Me

  Now I See

  Cross on My Door

  Only I Can See You

  I Hope You Lied

  Know That Road

  Cross the Skies

  Getting Through

  I Sacrifice

  Cold Bold Glory

  The Burden of You

  Casey

  It's Six o'clock somewhere

  Quicksand Graveyard

  Don't let today be Goodbye

  The Scare

  The House is Quiet

  The Pier

  Tonight

  Why I Write

  Recordings in My Head

  Granite Me

  Both Gone

  I Fear

  Guard Me

  Before the Final Breath

  The Night

  End of This Line

  This New Year

  Maraming Salamat

  Mom

  Courting the Future

  Included

  Beyond the Past

  Perspective

  You Don't Smile Much

  Capture

  Blue Innocence

  Decay of Mine

  Here

  Sweet Soul

  Fortune is not known

  Closing

  About the Author

  Contact the Author

  Prologue

  I have experimented with writing since a kid. To take the reader on a common journey yet in a unique way was fulfilling. Wrap words around to make a new scenario even if only in my mind was something enjoyed. This has evolved from penning some silly and humorous stories to where I delve into the human experience. We absorb life differently and with various intensities. A simple like to write has become a desire, a love to write. If I had musical talent, some of these would be songs. Maybe one day some will marry with music and fulfill yet another dream.

  Coasting in a realm never realized is another part of this project. I say project not in a way meaning work in a traditional sense, but rather the notion of collecting my thoughts and putting them into a concise format to share. I don't divulge much of my inner workings, so this may be considered a revealing glimpse of how one rather humble human sees this existence we call life.

  There are folks who have entered and vanished through my journey who inspired me to publish what you are about to experience. Two people stand out as primary influences. One is a dear friend, Gail, in Toronto, Canada. The other is an amazing singer/songwriter, Corey Hart. Gail, for her relentless support and ability to show me clear skies when it seemed storms ruined my goals. She pushed me to start and finish this book. Corey Hart inspired me to write down intelligent and meaningful words; to write what is inside and to share thoughts and feelings we all tend to bury and hide.

  We are all touched by those around us every day in ways perhaps not realized at first. Those who connect and understand you or share the human experience with you leave a permanent mark on a person. As in anyone’s life, some have been bad, some good, some profound. For me, those two folks mentioned are profound in a positive way, which I cannot put in to words. Thank you.

  Thanks to my family and friends for the encouragement as well. Without your support I would still wonder if such a thing were possible. It is now possible and tangible. Thank you all.

  I wrote background stories on all writings to share the thoughts that drove each. Since not reading many of these for years, it was difficult to recall some details. You may identify with some of these in ways not imagined by myself.

  I chose to not use much, if any, punctuation in my writings. To me, this would force the reader to interpret things my way. These should be subjective and free to interpret and feel them as you may. After working on this, it is amazing how a single comma or such can change how it is read.

  “Writings from a young soul” means just that. I tend to learn many lessons later on and after a few examples and repeats of scenarios. “Clearing a path to discovery” are my words to convey that writing allows me to move on to better myself.

  Find a bit of quiet time and reflect on my words.

  Daniel A. Starks

  Never Was Never Will Be

  All the love

  All I need

  All I want

  All I hear

  Not enough

  Never was never will be

  Go anywhere

  Be anyone

  Do anything

  See any place

  Not enough

  Never was never will be

  Me

  You

  Them

  Us

  Won't be enough

  Never was never will be

  Fame

  Money

  Women

  Family

  Still not enough

  Never was never will be

  October 1990

  Background: Learning how some successful people "have it all" yet follow a path of destruction was and still is not appealing to me. A person may have many material things in life, but it's what is true to heart that matters. This is my reflection; that even if you supposedly have it all, it still isn't enough until you discover who you are and do what it is you love. The writings evolve as you read further and perhaps you can follow subtle and some obvious changes.

  Not for Me

  Thinking as I sit here

  What made me call you dear

  It seemed so right then

  But my broken past has yet to mend

  Trapped in a dangerous situation

  So many different choices

  All less than my expectations

  Speak in similar voices

  Looks should not matter

  The choices make me sadder

  Left over from last night's dinner

  Just once I'd like to be the winner

  Pretending to care and love

  You said I'd make a lousy actor

  Fooling you has been too easy

  You forgot to count experience as a factor

  My deep loneliness is my fault

  Until the one someone finds me

  I won't be satisfied

  Till inside I can say I finally won

  Not one not two but more than three

  It boggles my mind

  The reason why

  I can't find beauty

  The kind that's silver lined

  Selfish one may say

  T
his whole thing is not for me

  October 1990

  Background: When a person thinks they are "all that", they are making up for a serious lack of depth and compassion most times. This was my way of venting about such a person I met.

  I'm Not Used to Being Me

  For the longest time

  I was a hostage

  Not meant to be

  Chains that bound

  Words as weapons wounded

  Lost in the pool

  Handshakes in the depths of misery

  Looking over my shoulder

  I see myself running

  Down the mirrored hallway

  Each reflects a different image

  At the end I meet myself

  As if it were meant to be

  I flow through the walls thinking I'm free

  Counting to infinity but skipping three

  I'm not used to being me

  Experience is the key

  The key is found at the base of the tree

  Dig deeper don't you see

  I'm not used to being me

  The crossroads at night

  Seem to blind your sight

  Cure your ail says she

  How can I

  I'm not used to being me

  November 1990

  Background: This was written after I graduated high school. It is about self discovery and experimenting with what is true to me. I was not used to being me for I thought I knew a different me. Many years later, I am still not used to being me. However, this book has laid down some new cobblestones that seem supportive and comfortable. Isn't that how life is supposed to be? Continual learning by reading, watching, interacting, and just living will show a brighter path. To learn this back then would have been a revelation.

  The Truth

  Solitaire charades

  Empty bottles of care

  Slam down on the parades

  Which face shall I wear

  Cease the killing

  Sharpen your tongue

  Are you willing

  Depends on what song is being sung

  Massive lust

  Cannot rust

  Indulge in its cry

  Watch my mind fry

  Torches lit

  See how truths hit

  Stroke my ego trip

  Watch your mind flip

  Peering into my eyes

  Chaos in your face

  Scrape the film it bides

  Here disorder has second place

  Wilderness encounters

  Glimmering tombs

  The earth is spinning

  Could it be

  You are winning

  November 1990

  Background: I cannot recall the specifics on some of these old writings. I just know it wasn't the best few years for me. Too many mind games to try and take control by those I knew and by my own hand. Rather a long span of feeling next to nothing during this time.

  The Agony

  The serious side of us all

  Makes it simple to fall

  Virgin hearts once covered in lace

  Virgin hearts now but a trace

  Concrete fills the cracks

  Too much can divert the facts

  Pick and ax

  You can't turn concrete to wax

  God says open your heart

  Mom says you should play it smart

  Life's complexities never resolve

  Sit back and watch all dissolve

  Counting to infinity

  What people put in to me

  Do they care in the least

  No one will have me for a feast

  Jump the gun

  Go ahead

  The race has already been won

  Worship

  Worship the sun

  Cleanse the stains

  The stains of deceit

  Stir the remains

  The remains of defeat

  November 1990

  Background: Writing about an ex-girlfriend. It wasn't really a bad ending, so this is just me exploring an ocean of emotion and experimenting with writing.

  Childless Tribe

  They scrounge the desert

  Living off the bitter land

  They know no laws

  They have no money

  They have no guns

  Helpless and backward

  Some may say

  Who has it better

  Us or they

  Date unknown

  Background: No date recorded for this one but pretty sure it was in 1992. Don't recall exactly what triggered this, but seems to have stemmed from friends talking about having children.

  Bitter River of Life

  Living in an oasis

  Traveled so far

  So tired

  Found a place to sleep

  Awoke in a desert

  Wandering the dunes

  Dying of thirst

  Is that a river seen

  Running to the crest

  Oh but a mirage

  Day after day I search

  Many miles have passed beneath these feet

  Visions of water

  That can never be reached

  Many signs of hope

  Some days spent staring toward the sun

  Wondering what have I done to deserve this

  She said it's all in one's head

  Is it

  At last

  I've found it

  On the horizon

  Wrestling with death

  A river

  I'm at the banks and drink

  Drink from the bitter river of life

  February 1992

  Background: With no tangible love, we wander in a desert many times. Mirages of love can dissipate quickly.

  Liar's Oath

  Born to be free

  To do as you please

  Always put in the lead

  You were gaining too much speed

  Rose to tell the truth

  Who knew they were getting a spoof

  Practice makes perfect they say

  You thought your side was the only to weigh

  Don't consider the consequences

  You've built too many fences

  The ones who really care

  You judge them as fair

  Unless they feed you

  You make them bleed through

  Trickery and deceit

  You've blown enough off their feet

  It's time to change

  Your life

  It needs to rearrange

  Your destiny is to destroy

  To master the art of disguise

  Sworn to defeat and cripple

  Who taught you the liar's oath

  February 1992

  Background: I met someone that seemed so focused on lying it seemed she took an oath to spin the truth whenever it was to her benefit. Looking back, I think it was more of an attitude that nothing was her fault and most blame should be placed elsewhere.

  You

  Walking in wet shoes

  I feel like all the other fools

  The ones who said they needed you

  Vines of violent friendship

  Strangle the only hope

  Unwilling to accept rings of dedication

  Torturing yourself with the other rope

  Seeds in the garden

  Can't grow without water

  The waters which bring life

  Stands no chance with a broken pipe

  Words caused my fence to grow higher and harder

  A barren garden seems to spread farther

  Clouds of dust around me start to smother

  Help is not around

  Inner strength must be found

  Somewhere inside

  Your past scars your future

  Live, love and learn

  You don't care who you burn

  As long as they put you first

  You bury the hatchet for another day

  Not me />
  I want to be free

  I need to mend

  You've lost a friend

  Will you ever change

  February 1992

  Background: Young, confused and desperate I turned to writing yet again…to let it out and be viewed later on by others. Emptying the emotions with words on paper seemed to help clear some confusion and gain perspective for me.

  Emptiness

  You never remember days gone by

  Just recall every single why

  The emptiness is crippling

  Emptiness is without love

  A love that can't be described

  Heaven knows I have tried

  My empty shell where I hide

  No room for temptation

  I have met the devastation

  Flocks of gulls swarm my heart

  But I see

  Shadows cast by the imperial moonlight

  Delicate spindles of hope made from sparkling silk

  Diamond chips of trust corrode to rust

  Fantasies of lust cut the truth to dust

  Life is cruel

  You challenge me to duel

  I can build you up

  I can tear you down

  The emptiness starts to surround

  Emptiness without you

  Your warm smile

  I refuse to live

  Without love

  June 1992

  Background: This was directly influenced by a Corey Hart song, "Without Your Love."

  Will it Ever Change

  You were so perfect

  What we had was real

  What makes her tick

  You had no clue how to feel

  Not once not twice

  You rolled the dice

  Gambling like this is a disease

  Too many times

  You've knocked me to my knees

  Life is full of losses

  You always know who the boss is

  Won't you stop

  You're causing us both to drop

  Silent waivers

  You're too many flavors

  You refuse to see

  How much you mean to me

  I'm too confused

  Can't see I've been used

  You hurt me so bad

  Yet you seem all too glad

  But I'll rebound

  Even if it means

  Being buried in cold ground

  Will it ever change

  June 1992

  Background: This could be for anyone and for many circumstances. These were my thoughts about a toxic relationship. Grabbing a pen and paper helped far beyond what I could imagine.

  What's to Live For

  Watching the rain

  Brings back all the pain

  All the tears shed

  The hundred days I've bled

  What's been said

  Only relief comes to the dead

  The days would go by

  There will be many more a blue sky

  Time heals all wounds

  I've spent too many a day on the dune

  Cold and alone

  Can't you see how far I've been thrown

  What's to live for

  To live a miserable existence

  To live on your dependence

  To be rejected

  To be lied to

  To be accused

  So I can share you as a lover

  To be your worthless friend

  To be under appreciated

  To be taken advantage of

  To be used

  To be there for you always

  We have 10% heaven and 90% hell

  June 1992

  Background: During bad times we just simply want the hurt to end. Instead of walking away we may have some obscure ideas about how to fix it. I was a few gallons low on hope. A chest of tools was missing as well.

  The Guy

  I've seen it all

  The biggest building will fall

  Iron concrete steel

  They can't be real

  Put it to the test

  Never let it rest

  Iron rusts

  Concrete crumbles

  Steel snaps

  Perfect is absurd

  Put everyone else third

  High expectations says she

  Why can't she ever think we

  So many broken promises

  She wonders where the trust is

  She loves to lie

  To watch others cry

  So talented yet so corrupt

  Personal gain from others losses

  A smile a hug

  All is forgiven

  Only to repeat the cycle

  How much blood will she draw

  I'm the guy

  The guy who comes back to it all

  June 1992

  Background: This is similar to an earlier writing. She seemed strong and true at first. More lies to portray trust eroded our relationship in short order. The stains remain on her, not me. Hopefully she has matured, learned and found true happiness.

  Still in My Heart

  Can't remember when it started

  But I see all the times we parted

  Through all the pain and shame

  Watching others stake their claim

  Reliving all the days of my life

  Visioning us husband and wife

  We were meant to be

  Yet you always run

  Wanting to be free

  The days you left

  The days we cried

  I'll always be by your side

  'Cause you're still in my heart

  All those dangerous nights

  Indulging in one's delights

  You are my other part

  You are still in my heart

  Still in my heart

  You'll still be in my heart

  Yeah in my heart

  June 1992

  Background: Getting over feelings and trying to move on by scribbling in my spiral notebook; releasing and realizing what was in front of me. I am a visual person and by facing the words, the whole thing seemed to make more sense. There it was in writing by my own hand to assist me with moving on.

  Again

  Reflecting on my own as you are no longer known

  The only true thing you've known was severed by a dangerous encounter

  But there will be others to laugh with, cry with, love

  The pain never goes away we all go through it again

  Perfect in your eyes it's just one of your lies

  All of us search for the one the one who makes us feel strong

  Why can't we learn strength is formed within

  So we go through it all again

  From start to finish again

  Again we must be found

  Faced death in the eyes and death turned away

  Said he'd be back one day

  When he comes calling what will you say

  I have conquered bigger feats

  Saw the clearing in the destruction

  You'll see it again perfect at first

  But soon will die of thirst

  Again you'll feel pain

  Again you'll regain

  But can you remain

  Can you go through it again

  September 1992

  Background: After the breakup with what felt so right it came to me...it was misery disguised in tight jeans. One of those times when a person you are with refuses to see anything but goals that lead them away from you. When paths diverge so distinctly, it is time to stand up and move along to something healthier. As with many of these earlier writings…if only that thought process was part of me back then.

  Blind Denial

  In the midst of winter

  Cold and lonely

  Seeking the flame

  Just a splinter

  Bitter was the heat

  Put through hell

  Scared of the fright

  The gathering of the se
nses

  Prepared for flight

  Reality dealt a depressing hand

  Denial at first

  Discovery of the deep hurt

  Deadly weapons drawn

  Over in a flash

  Back on the feet

  A craving for fresh meat

  The fangs sank so deep

  Blind denial is no game

  Running the race

  Manipulation with no stipulation

  Blame it on blind denial

  Paranoid to let go

  Fire a fatal blow

  Using tools of the trade

  Blame it on blind denial

  September 1992

  Background: How shallow love can be at age 22. Decades later, apparently we were fools during that time. If only we young ones listened to and reached out more to our parents.

  Here Comes the Fire

  Forecasting needs in the perfect state which feeds

  Circling 'round your prey

  Who knows what price to pay

  Barter and bargain for common ground

  What happens when the lies are found

  Close your eyes here comes the fire

  It's getting warm now

  Call the number

  Don't ever let him look you in the face

  Succumb to your instincts

  Forget all his pain

  Just hold him through the burning rain

  The rain that touches us all

  Be careful

  Be careful not to let him see you fall

  Close your eyes here comes the fire

  You're burnin' up

  Can't stop the funeral pyre

  Play your luck

  Here comes the fire

  You surround me

  I feel the warmth

  You bring me closer

  Closer to it all

  Almost can touch it

  Here comes the fire

  Date unknown

  Background: This was my first innocent attempt at writing a song. This was and still is experimental and always will be. I am not particularly proud of this one, but included it to show a part of the ongoing transformation in my writing. I would like to rewrite it and tune it up, but will leave this as is and never come back to it. It is what it is, pretty predictable and not very good. Maybe others will see something I do not.

  Goodbye

  The distant look in your eyes

  As we said our good byes

  Didn't bother you at all

  So distant

  Just want to crack your whip

  To make others turn away

  You deny it all

  It all

  Smother yourself with your own

  Your own devotion

  Can't see

  Never will

  Change is a waste of time

  The bad isn't mine

  You did this to me

  Refuse it

  Look the other way when you go wrong

  After all it's his fault

  Can never face

  The truth

  Blame is a sign of weakness

  Real friends point out the bleakness

  Not in everyone else

  In you

  September 1992

  Background: Goodbye. Some peace must have found its way into your heart over the years. I hope so.

  No Longer Here

  Well it was a long time ago

  So dark and sleek you were

  Your emanation of creation

  Was out of control

  Never meant to be alone

  You led me by my hand

  Well a long time went by

  Bold and sneaky you are

  Your admiration of domination

  Was too strong

  Never meant to be together

  You took everyone else's hand

  You needed protection

  I needed affection

  September 1992

  Background: I was driving home on a bright, sunny day and a pickup truck was in front of me. I was tired, restless and very down. I swore I saw the driver turn around and look at me. It was a demon face that I'd never seen before. I shook my head, wiped my eyes, and it was gone. That was a wakeup call for me to start a new, solid path and keep on it from there on.

  What Was Could Never Be

  The perfect circle was formed

  Full moons seemed so real

  Combining lust and fear

  Burning bridges resisted

  A restless cry in the dark

  Formations in the desert

  Time stood still

  Stone statues in the garden wept

  Rings that bound choked out life

  Put on the end of your leash

  Can't seem to figure out

  The cause of your pain

  It's man's nature to destroy the unknown

  To blot out the possibilities

  To melt the destructible

  Bury the sword and save the dagger

  Treated and mistreated

  Best to find shelter from the day

  You never waited till the evening

  Just brushed off all the shame

  Had to point the finger

  The finger that only points outward

  To reverse the situation would mean

  Admitting domination

  September 1992

  Background: Trying to figure out life and relationships. Reading over these again after 20 or more years reminds me mostly of the good even though most of the early writings are focused on pain and failure. I chose to leave those in even though they are somewhat repetitious or only about a few people. This young soul is starting to grow and mature into something I never thought possible. Read on.

  She Will Fall

  She tries to hide the pain and deception

  Walking along she hums her song

  Repression in succession

  Will topple the heavens

  Bring her to hell

  Her burning flesh is not her cause

  Just hides it all away never to be let out

  This is her demise

  She will fall

  September 1992

  Background: This was me finally putting a relationship to rest. I was and still am a young soul to a degree. However, the last few years have really aged this soul in positive ways.

  Old Pictures

  Seeing the old pictures of you

  Reminds me of all the good times

  All the smiles the love the caring

  If I look hard enough the pictures say

  Here we are two years later

  I have my life you have yours

  Separate paths may not meet again

  The old pictures are hard to look at

  With you in my arms

  The world seemed silent

  Only you and I mattered

  Two more years will go by

  Your life and mine

  Memories that fade to black

  Years from now the old pictures will

  Still talk to me

  Tell me the story of what went wrong

  But mostly those pictures will say

  Two people not meant to be

  Shall last but a wisp of time

  Those old pictures I will always have

  To bring back a smile when down

  Those old pictures of you

  Are all I have of loving you

  Just me and my old pictures

  Yeah without you

  Without you...

  February 1993

  Background: Forgot about this one and it is similar to another one later on. I found an old photo album one day and looked through it. By this time, I was able to see most of the good and reflect on some of the wild and goofy times of the past. There is a song that prompted me to write this. I still have those pictures in that same photo album today.

  Leaves Keep Changing

  So much changes in a season

  Days and wee
ks pass by

  Without a care

  Hot and dry to cold and wet

  Not a moment’s notice

  Maple leaves out my window

  Full of green life this week

  But the season is changing

  Next they will be orange and yellow

  The sun turning its back

  Color shifts of death

  Face the light the truth

  The warmth the life it gives

  To turn away is to die

  To regress

  The leaves keep changing

  Hoping one day

  To forever feed on light

  That the sun will never hide

  Courage spirit integrity

  And faith

  Knowing the sun shall warm and nourish

  Every year

  Maple leaves do not question their existence

  Just live for the sun

  Even though once a year

  They are left cold and alone

  And the leaves don't stop changing

  February 1993

  Background: It was a fall day and my mood was a bit gloomy. Young people trying to carve out who they are, what they stand for. Every year the leaves sprout from buds, live over the year and then drop off when dead, only to be reborn again the next spring. I'd like to re-write this one too, but will leave it as is. I have never completely rewritten or significantly edited any writing.

  It Will Never Fade

  I've wasted the whole day

  Going through all the photos

  The two of us at our best

  Time has pried us apart

  And I don't think of you so much

  Anymore

  When the piles of pictures

  Were once again uncovered

  I realized how much of me

  You took

  The sorrow is still there

  Though I've learned to mask

  Those pictures

  Despite how they hurt

  I manage to smile and somehow

  Only recall the good

  Things would be different

  But I can only dream

  Only pictures

  Just paper and color

  Of you

  Of us

  Us

  It will never fade

  June 11, 1993

  Background: This was an extension to a similar one titled "Old Pictures." That spiral notebook rarely turned to previous pages as I just kept writing. Maybe I didn't recall a similar one already. I must have found that photo album again or added new pictures to the album and then thought about the old pictures once again. Interesting to me why there was another similar one written four months later.

  Six Months

  Six months they said

  My shoulder was your best friend

  Those long desperate nights

  The anger fear and uncertainty

  There was me

  And my love

  My words of strength

  Nights of rocking you to slumber

  In my arms

  As tears turned to silence

  Strong but physically weak

  Before my eyes

  The dearest in my life

  Was dying

  Then the fourth month came

  I am afraid they said

  Back to rest you went

  Two days never seemed so long

  The next, you were gone

  I replay the night we said goodbye

  Honest what I said

  When we met souls then

  We'd never be alone

  Be there for you always

  Scared alone and determined

  I'll be with you forever

  Starting now

  As the lights go out

  June 1993

  Background: Another one hard to recall the exact influence. From what I recall, it was a mix of two different things. First, a television show about a couple that found out one spouse would likely pass on in six months due to illness. Second, my darkened outlook on life brought me into the mindset that I was the one ill and would pass on; not really in a physical sense, but more of being tired and not caring so much any longer. This is more about finding your love on the other side than the situation of losing someone.

  Our Song

  That song on the radio

  Made me think of you

  Thought I had forgotten

  Time will never heal this wound

  I remember the night you told me

  Told me of your indecency

  Only four days apart

  I guess maybe you were right

  Maybe I didn't do those little things

  And maybe I should have just listened

  All those times I offered my views

  Maybe I did go wrong sometimes

  And maybe I put myself first too much

  When that song plays

  The night I remember

  Was the night we held each other close

  As they performed that song for us

  For we were the only ones that mattered

  We were one

  As they played our song

  Teary-eyed and in a trance

  We were so in love

  In love

  That's what I remember

  When I hear that song on the radio

  Why did it have to end

  June 1993

  Background: A mix of a few things and a few people in this one. Reading over this again makes me think I heard a song about something similar and this was my version of it. Music can be such a powerful part of our lives. It can bring back a multitude of varying emotions. There are many songs that I will always bond with and a few I will never listen to again.

  Every Time

  Just got back

  From the secret place we shared

  Alone with our love

  That place we used to go

  Could bring back

  All that is gone

  When the phone rings

  And the sun breaks the horizon

  And the heavens become